When You Know it is Time to Go Back to Work

When you become a stay at home dad there are many things you begin to notice, like what the different noises emitting from your son's mouth mean and how the volume and timbre of said noises can change its meaning. Yet there comes a point where your child becomes ever so slightly independent and other things begin to exert their presence, like the house needs to be cleaned, the blog needs updating, and just how much PBS you are watching.

When you are so single mindedly focused on one thing it comes as a shock to the system when the outside world starts to creep back in. It's almost like sensory deprivation and when your senses begin to recover it's as if you are seeing things for the first time. Unfortunately the scope in which I can explore these epiphanies is limited as the boy is still in need of 98% of my collective attention.

I've always watched a lot of TV, but over the last 4 months my consumption has increased exponentially. When you spend so much time at home in front of the TV patterns start to emerge, like take “24” for instance. There is an ongoing crisis that only Jack can resolve. To know how/where to solve it Jack must torture or rough up (this is a kinder, gentler blog) someone to get the info. Someone gets shot (usually by Jack) and the crisis is averted for that “hour”. Then they close the show by foreshadowing next week’s crisis. Every week.

Yet this isn’t the appropriate viewing material for an infant so we find ourselves watching a lot of HippyTV (PBS), a smidge of FOX News (while not always baby friendly the kid needs a balance to all the “spirit of the tree” crap), and of course the classics on Cartoon Network.

Really, is there anything better than Warner Brothers cartoons? Where else can you find a rabbit being hunted to “O Fortuna”, or singing opera, or a rooster playing “Morning Mood” instead of crowing? This is where the most patterns start to occur. Now before you start thinking I’ve gone all “A Beautiful Mind” on you, know that I didn't write these, but ever since I've read them they're all I think about while hunting sillwy wabbits. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

The Cartoon Laws of Physics

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters. Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.